At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
