it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
