We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
