From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
