fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
