i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
