my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
