rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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