im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
