i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
