i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
