Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my being single is dangerous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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