I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
