I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
it's great music for shaving your balls
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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