I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think i peed on brittanys purse
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
