My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
