its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
