Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
