I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
