just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
