You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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