Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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