Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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