Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
