My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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