The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
