Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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