I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize