My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
