I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
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At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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