Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
