The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
