got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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