i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
