well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
