Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
