so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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