how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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