I could make wine with my vomit
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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