She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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