What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
