apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
