How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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