Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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