matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
