Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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