Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
