A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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