Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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