mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
