I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
