Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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