is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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