Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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